My Identity

I want to scream from my loins.
Shout from the depths of my heart.
Wriggle my head a million times,
just to make my point known.

I want to understand somethings.
No,
I want to understand a lot of things.
I want to know.
I want to know why I am the way I am.
Why I seem so different,
Why I act so strange,
Why I don't seem to fit in,
Why I cant, even if I tried to be like others.
I want to know why why why.

I sit and reflect.
I sit and question.
I think I know,but then I don't.

Then,
I am certain I do.

I am different.
I stand out.
Not because I am strange,
Not because I am weird.
Oh no I am not.
I am the way I am, because I am not of this world.
I am who I am,
A representative of the Messiah
A Christian
A believer.
I got my answers, now I live on with my Identity fully noted.
I am who I am, because I am of God.

My Outburst

Each time life threw me a challenge, God gave me grace to scale through.

But there was a point I simply did not understand why the challenges had to stay.

I had faith, I breathed hope, but yet they stayed.

There were times I simply stared in oblivion and let my tears envelop me.

Times I hid my face because I did not believe I could go through it.

It got to a point I was simply fed up.

I ranted.

I cried.

I was disappointed.

And all I wanted to do, was know why.

I waited for an explanation.

I lost my patience.

I wanted to trust God.

But it seemed my faith was shaking.

Yes, that was how I felt... Defeated.

Defeated???

I almost could not believe myself.

I, defeated?

I took in many deep breaths, and did what I should have done.

I cleared my space.

I got on my knees, and I cried to my Father.

I told Him the pain.

I told Him how I hurt.

I know He knew, but telling Him again just gave me relief.

Yes I am a Christian.

And I am not always right or at my best.

I was shaken, I was tried, but even though I knew, I had to work in the fact that God had my back.

I am not done with challenges.

I know more are on the way, but next time, I'll get on my knees before the tears get to me.

I am learning, and I will overcome through it all.

You can check out a similar post on my blog here

The focal point

I really do not know if thrilled or excited captured the way I was feeling, I would rather have described myself as ecstatic that morning. I could already see and imagine what I was hoping for, I even dreamt about it. It is not like I get exceptionally excited about things this often, but believe me this was called for.  I believe I was more excited about going to this church than even going to a new city, after all the Hillsong church did not seem like child's play to me.

So that was the bubble that got me so excited. I was going to the Hillsong church. I had certain expectations from the church. A large stage, a big auditorium, probably as big as a stadium, a great seat I could see clearly from and most importantly great worship. Boy oh boy, was I prepped up for this.

I woke up as early as I could, got ready and checked I did not leave a thing behind. I got to the bus on time and took a seat. As I sat through the bus ride, I was ruminating on how the service was going to be. I could practically feel the type of worship I was anticipating. I was simply thrilled. Irrespective of the many excited feelings that appeared to be jumping around in my system, I had this pull in my spirit(Holy Spirit at work :)). The Holy Spirit drew my attention to the fact that me enjoying His presence was not dependent on the church I attended. Instead he made me understand that the presence of God already exists in me. "For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you"- Luke 17:21

If you have been to any modern or anglican church, you will be used to the conventional atmosphere of the church. By conventional I mean a church where things are in order, you get ushered to your seat and the likes. Well, that was what I expected at the Hillsong Church. The service was to start at 10am and I got there at about 10:10am. My first shocker was right at the entrance of the church. Since I was late I simply ignored and rushed along.

Yep, that was the look I got on my face when I got up the stairs, talk about a total shocker. The place was packed with people as I expected, but the environment was the complete opposite of my expectations. If the little knowledge I possessed was correct this venue did look much like a pub. Hmmmm, this was gonna be one service. 

Simply identifying with the current location I found myself, my high hopes seemed to shy away slowly. There was no sitting space anywhere, which implied I was  going to stand through out the service. At this thought, I began to wonder if all my hopes were dashed. I could not even see the stage well enough, except through the monitors and mehn I was sad.

A part of me seriously wanted to just shy away and stay in the background, after all no one really knew me there.  I felt a nudge in my spirit again, which reaffirmed the purpose my going to church was for: making the spirit of God I already have in me fellowship with others. I kept my mind open irrespective of how things looked and just got ushered into the atmosphere of worship. Time flew by without me even noticing I was on my feet the whole time, worship flowed with such elegance and lack of concern that I hardly remembered my presupposition compared to my current surrounding.

That was my situation, but then the reality of it is that, we have presuppositions that usually do not depict the reality we expect. Times when we have a glimpse of things in our minds and simply expect the reality to surface like that... Yeah, we all have those times. And very often we see the reality of our unreality, and how things do not fall into place like we hoped for.

Most often we simply shy away from what we get, because we believe we deserve better. It's in the process of neglecting or shying away that we forget the true purpose of a situation. If I chose to hold on to my initial dissatisfaction of the environment, I probably would have missed out on the experience I had with God that day. The same applies in our lives, if we simply shy away because things are not the way we  expect or want them to be, we would often miss the relevant lessons we are to learn from things being the way they are.

Life as it is, is full of many surprises. While there are some we like and would love to experience everyday, there are some which rock us. However, with every single experience there is a relevant lesson. So embrace each situation and neglect the disappointment, ("Trust in the Lord with all you heart, and lean not on your own understanding"- Prov 3:5) move on to achieve as much as you can with the little you get. After all the bible even admonishes us not to despise the days of small beginnings.

The sky is indeed our limit, we can choose to let disappointments reign, or simply stand on the disappointments and get every ounce of victory we can.

Anglican church: In relation to their specific church structures.

New comer in the building

I have a little sense of adventure in me, but in this new unfamiliar town, hmmmm I don’t know.

You know that feeling when you are between excited and nervous?

Excited because you are about to do something you classify as fun and new, but yet nervous and almost scared of what you are about to do. Well that's how I felt that hot summer afternoon.

All dressed and ready to take up the challenge the day had for me, I stepped out into the sun and smiled all the way to my destination. I was grateful I got a free ride and did not have to face the first hustle of having to find my way myself.

Tick tick tick went the hand of the clock and time flew. The initial excitement and nervousness I felt dying down somewhere in between the chatter and work, I barely noticed. Boy was I hungry. I was excited the day had drawn to a close, and almost forgot I had to find my way home myself. I “carefully” studied the directions I was to take home, packed my things and got ready to go.

Pushing away all the nervousness that seemed to have built up again while planning my trip back home, I alighted from the vehicle and found myself in the train station, surrounded by many signs which seemed familiar from movies, but too unfamiliar in the physical. Ohhh my gawd, I almost wanted to run and hide. But as we always have it, I gave a bold face and walked “boldly” to the customer care lady, and with my “highly sophisticated” English, I asked where I was to get a ticket for the next train.

I know it seems easier than I have it written, but the reality is that I wasn’t sure of my final stop. I thought it was Stenton but all around I saw Trenton and I simply assumed it was one and the same, after all the only difference in pronunciation and spelling was the “s”.

Feeling a little confident,  and believing I knew my final destination, I bought my ticket and walked on to the train line to get on my train, but mehn I had this gut feeling that just wouldn’t go. It was almost like my heart was beating out, and all because of what... one ordinary train.

Shaking my head, I was disappointed in myself; I gave myself a little confidence talk in my head while looking around this new surrounding and simply stood my ground.

Overhead announcer: “We are sorry to inform you the train has been delayed and bla bla bla”

Thinking of it now, I won’t be too surprised if that delay was because of me, because it did save me a trip to another state. I took a closer look at my ticket considering the uneasiness I felt in my spirit that didn’t want to enter the train, strolled back to the woman at the counter and told her the address of where exactly I was going.

It appeared there and then that the gut feeling I had was right, which I can say is my spirit as I was a few minutes away from taking a wrong train out of town. On getting the right information, I changed my ticket and walked joyfully to the right train with little or no feeling of anxiety or worry. I may not have realized then, but I did learn a significant lesson.

Our lives as Christians are often times depicted as my little destination palava (problem), where we think we know the specific direction we are headed, but we really don’t.  “Many are the ways that seem right to a man, but the end thereof is the way of death”- Proverbs 16:25. 

We often find ourselves in certain situations we think we have the strength to run through, but realize along the way the errors of our thoughts.  These situations or scenarios often get us so bashed, we feel sick in our hearts and spirits like I did with the gut feeling.

I didn’t mention how shy and stupid I felt walking back to the counter to correct the error of my ways, but the relief I got from knowing I was now on the right path was stunning.

I know we’ve probably read or heard a million or gazillion times, the verse:  “if any man lacks wisdom let him ask of God who freely gives”- James 1:5. Wisdom in this sense, doesn’t necessarily mean the most majestic knowledge, but can be related to the littlest things like getting right advice. I walked up to the counter initially with a certain air of confidence, hoping I knew where I was going.  If only I took my time to search, then i would have realized I was not too sure.

In our growth as Christians, we tend to experience situations where albeit we try to understand somethings, we end up with little or no understanding. We carry our heads up high so no one looks down on us, and thus ignore the feeling in our spirit. I am no saint and I admit to have done this on different occasions, but understanding the role fellow Christians play in our lives can indeed put us through  our mystery and help us grow faster.

I am an adult, and anyone would wonder why exploring a new city or even taking a train should call for attention, but it’s just to make me understand that though I think I know a lot of things most of the time, I could be wrong and require help to get back on the right track.

The simple feeling of knowing I was finally going on the right train made me breathe out a heavy sigh I did not know I held in. We as Christians often times don’t admit the weight we hold on to when we hold unto uncertainties, and until we learn to ask for help or advice from those around, we don’t get to really experience the many things the word of God promises us.

I am fully aware of the fact that our Christian growth is more of a personal thing, but I am also aware of the fact that God put in place leaders ahead of us for a reason. Jesus and his disciples are the best example, they showed how they learned from each other by asking questions, and therefore set an example for us to learn from one another. The bible says “ask and it shall be given unto you…” (Matthew 7:7), asking doesn't have to be just the huge things we think we deserve, but even the little things we are uncertain about.

My one day trip as a JJC(new comer) in this train station has enlightened me a little more. I haven’t lost my sense of adventure, neither has my confidence reduced. Be that as it may, I have realized that even with my high level of confidence and adventurous nature I still need help sometimes. This in effect means although we have things that rock us as Christians, the desire to press on should be ever present. We weren't created to be perfect, hence our imperfection... So we should not look down on ourselves and back out on certain reasons, but persevere and show that we are overcomers.

Shalom

JJC : also known as Johnny Just Come is a nigerian slang for someone in a new surrounding.

zzzzzz goes the fly

“zzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzz” the buzzing of the silly housefly just kept humming in my ears. “Ahhhhh” I screamed and tried endlessly and in an unfruitful manner to kill it.

In and out it went, from front, to left, to right, to center playing not even the game of hide and seek with me, but who is the fastest. 

Boy was I mad. The fact that I was jumping around just to kill one silly fly was not nearly as annoying as the sound the fly was making. I tried again with several failed attempts, swinging my cloth around and just trying to kill it wherever I heard it sound. If I wasn’t human, I would I have said the fly was smart because it always found a way to escape.

My hands were hurting from swinging continuously to no avail and I was almost dizzy just turning around in a seamless circle. *sighing* I paused to take a breath and actually just let the fly fool around for a while before it settled, which I presumed it was gonna do. As I waited  patiently, as my already uneasy body could, I observed the fly rotate in a circle for a little while, and finally rest  its tiny little body that seemed harmless and quite on the window still.

 *slam slam slam* yep that was the sound of me killing it, I almost did a victory dance just knowing I didn't have to hear that annoying sound hovering over me while I went back to my position resting.  I guess this was the point I appreciated the silence of the room.

So I am sure someone is wondering what my long story as got to do with anything, after all we all have such experiences, well let’s just say I learnt a lesson from it.

Let’s say the annoying sound of the fly is in our everyday lives, is the devil. 

The running around in rotating circles to distract us from knowing its exact location, is he (the devil) playing around in our lives and making us annoyed. 

The aches in our hand due to endless attempts trying to kill the fly, is he(the devil) getting us tired and frustrated when whatever he does seems to be taking a toll on us without our effort yielding any impact.

The pause, this i see as when we get tried and actually come to the realization that just following in the footsteps of his last attempt yields nothing and simply gets us more upset.

In the event whereby we pause, we get to realize the tricks of the devil and ultimately gain the wisdom ( noticing how it moves in a particular circle)  and understanding that not worrying will eventually let our adversary, which was in this case the fly stop and relax.

It is in the process of it (the devil or the fly) relaxing because he thinks he is finally settled and gotten us used to him being there that we charge to kill and displace him.

Learning to trust God in all situations and letting go of our worries, allows us to see, that although things seem very difficult and often times like they are not going in our favor, we sitting back, pausing and praying as said in Philippians 4:6 “Be ye anxious for nothing, but in everything through prayer, supplication and thanksgiving make your request known unto God”, we get to see that God is really in charge and would take care of the devil once we just trust in him.

My little fly encounter was annoying and frustrating as of the time it occurred, but reflecting and learning from it made it worth it. Life as it is will always come with its challenges because the devil is in charge of the world, but acknowledging the fact that God makes us supernatural and will take care of all our troubles is what keeps hope alive. Trust him; He has always got your back.