Dear Lover

Hello, it's me again.

A happy New Year to you.

I know its been ages I posted, forgive me. I wrote this a while back, and reading it makes me see how much it can help someone.

Read and enjoy.

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Hmmmmmm,
When I think of you, I often am at a loss of words to say,
Not because I am so engulfed in love, and weep for leaving you...
No, I am a loss of words each time I think of the real reasons I "loved" you,
Clung to you, and found it difficult to let you go.



With you, love seemed beautiful
It seemed different,
Engulfing, killing, intense...

Hmmm,
Intense it really was,
Each time I thought of you, I smiled,
and thought of the future,
or what I thought the future was,
I day dreamed, I night-dreamed.

I dreamed everything...
I dreamed everything physical, fleshy, sexy
I dreamed everything the  intensity of the love I had for you could dream of..
Beautiful kids,
A beautiful relationship,
A beautiful sex life,
A family that seemed beautiful to the world,
A family which the world would have envied.
I dreamed our perfection to the world, over and over.

It seemed real,
It seemed like a reality,
The way we were,
The way our families knew each other,
The way my family loved you,
The way my father adored you,
The way your family loved me as well..

Hmmm,
From the look of the world,
we were perfect,
our lives perfect,
our future also looked perfect,
but yet in the beauty we shared,
My heart held so much uncertainty.

I grieved for months,
I cried, I prayed, I wondered,
I questioned God,
I wanted to know if...
Maybe...
Maybe we started with the wrong foundation?

I shared my fears with you in a way,
You said you saw it, yet we took no action,
My soul was dying being in love with you,
My heart beating fast with each new day,
I feared our perfection,
I feared gravely,
You never made matters any better my love,
You compounded my fears each day,
I wanted to trust you,
wanted to trust that our relationship still would be perfect,
But as each day went, the dream crumbled.

I didn't stop praying,
No i didn't
I held unto prayer,
and as the days went by, I felt the need to let go...
My dream, our dream, it was...
No dream...

No dream... No dream!!!
No dream!!!
My heart...I wept
I was certain, I felt I was certain???
What happened???

Ahhhh,
I grieved,
Yes I admit.
I grieved at the thought of not loving you,
I grieved at the thought of what the world, who saw the perfection we had would say,
I grieved alot.

You wonder,
So what happened to the prayers I prayed??
The prayers??
They gave me the conviction to let go fully.

From what I saw,
I felt we were perfect,
You felt we were perfect,
The world felt we were perfect,
But Daddy up there, God, He didn't think so.

And at that point, He simply drew me back, and reminded me,
Many are the plans of a man's heart, but God's plan shall prevail.
And that was it...
The daydream,
Night dream,
And every other dream simply dropped off from my eyes.

Dear lover, our love died,
Not because I had no feelings for you,
Our love died because God's purpose wasn't in it.
It was hard to accept,
Sometimes I still fight with it, and question if I am right or wrong,
There are days I try to think and imagine,
But soon enough I got to realize it was a waste of my time.
I asked myself,
Why live my life and future without God in it?
There was no point,
So I let go, I let go of our love and I it let pass by slowly...

Dear lover, I let you go, because I could not comprise my relationship with God for you...

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When I see where I am now, I realize my tears and heartbreak were of no use, but choosing God's purpose was definitely a great idea.